And that’s why you don’t review Arrested Development too quickly

I didn’t understand how critics could churn out long, detailed critiques of Arrested Development’s new season within less than two days of its release, and that got me thinking about the way our culture values speed and superficiality over all else, and so I wrote a thing that starts with Arrested Development and ends up with the Boston bombers and the collapse of American colleges, and it’s over at The Nervous Breakdown, where you should go read it. 

It includes this bit:

I keep picturing a day in which we pay meteorologists to liveblog the rain, judging this drop too derivative and that one a little heavy-handed and the next not even believably wet, and I picture commenters saying hey, idiot, you don’t like the rain then don’t look at itand I don’t know about you guys but I thought this was great rain and rain makes trees grow do you hate trees?

A non-podcast book review

Thanks to the good folks at The Philadelphia Review of Books, I’ve got my first published book review under my belt. It ran today, and you can find it here. It’s ostensibly about Ron Currie Jr’s really good novel FLIMSY LITTLE PLASTIC MIRACLES, but it also talks a lot about authenticity and the quest for something real. It starts like this:

 

One of the hardest things to do these days is to convince people that what they’re seeing and consuming is actually a real and true thing. Plastic surgery, photoshop, autotune, genetically modified foods, easy access to video editing software, and news organizations that don’t even pretend to report the facts anymore have all fostered a culture in which authenticity is a prized commodity but is almost impossible to claim. Every new technology first promises a chance to better know one another (and ourselves), and then people find ways to use it to obfuscate. Social media gives you the opportunity to present a carefully constructed version of yourself to the world, to only share the photos of you in the perfect lighting, the ones where you look thin and healthy and self-actualized. You edit yourself to look more real.

It’s all a show, and everyone knows it.

 

Read the rest

 

For more of my book review-ish thoughts, go catch up on Book Fight

21st Century American Guns

After reading and hearing a dozen arguments about the necessity of having armed guards in schools, of arming teachers, of arming students, of mounting anti-aircraft guns on the rooftops of elementary schools, of turning schools into giant functioning guns, I decided to give in to the inevitable and revise the syllabi for all my courses. Future students, take note. 

Course Syllabus

English 357, Section 22: 21st Century American Guns Spring 2013

MW: 12-1:20 Annex Room 15

Gun Guns: MW 11:15-11:45, 3:45-5:15 gun gun gun

Gun: Ruger 1022

Gun: gun@gun.com

Gun: Prof. Gun, Gu.N.

 

Gun gun English 357. Gun gun gun gun gun gun gun gun gun gun gun gunning, gunning, gunning, gun gunning guns. Gun gun guns gun gun gun gunning-gun guns gun gun guns, gun gun gun gun guns gun gunning gun gunning gun gun gun gun gunnical guns: gun guns gun gun, gun guns gun gun gun, gun guns gun gun gun gun gun gun gun gunning gun gun.

 

Gun gun gun gun gun gun gun gun-gun gun gun gun gun gun. Gun gun gun, gun gun gun gunned gun gun gun gun gun gun guns gun gun gun gun guns, gunning gun gun guns gun gun gun gun gun gun, gun gun gun gunning gunself. Gun gun gun gun gunned gun gun gun gun guns gunned gun gun guns gun gun guns, gun, gun, gun gun guns gun gun gun gunning. Gun gun gun gunned gun1 gun gun gun gun gun gunning gun gun gun gun, gunning gun gunning gun Gun gun gun gun gun gun gun gun gun gun gun gun gun gun, gunning gun. Gun gun guns gun gun gun: gun gun Gun gun gun gun guns?2

Gun Guns:

 

Gun, Gun G., gn. Gunning Guns: Gun Gun un Guns gun gun Gun. Gun: Gun Guns, 2012.

 

G’un gun gun gun gun gun gun gun gun gun gun gun gun. Gun gun gun guns gun gun gun, gun g’un gun gun gun gun guns gun, gun G’un gun gun gun gun gun gun gun gun.

 

Gun and Gun:

 

Gun gun guns gun-gun gunning gun gun gun gun guns, gun gun gun gun gun gun gun gun’s gun. Gun gun-gun gunning gun gun gun gun gun guns gun gun gun gun guns. Gun guns gun gun gun gun gun gun gun gunner gun gunner.

Gun gun gun: gun gun gun gun gun gunned. Gun guns.

Gun gun gun gun gun gunning gunning gunning gun gun gun gun.

 

Gunning:

 

Gun # 1 20%

Gun # 2 20%

Gun # 3 20%

Gunning Guns 20%

Gun gun 20%

 

Gun Gun:

 

Gun gun gun gun gun Gun’s gun gun gun gun gun gunned gun http://gun.edu/gun-guns.shtml. Gun gun: gun gun gun gun gunning, gun gun gun gun Gun gun gun gun gun gun gun Gun Gun Gun!

 

Gun Guns:

 

  • Gun gun gun gun gun gun gun gun gun gun gungun. Gun gun gunned gun gun gun gun gun gun gun gun gun gunned gun gun. Gun gunness (gun-gun gunns) gun gun gun gun gun-gun. Gun gun (gun gun gun guns) gun gun gun gun gun gun.

 

  • Gun gun gun guns! Gun gun gun gun gun gun Gun gun gunning gun gun gun gunning gun gun gun gun? Gun gun gun gunful gunner gun gun gunning gun gun gun guns gun.

 

  • Gun gun guns gun Gun Gun, gun gun guns gun gun Gun gun Gun Gun (GGG), gun guns gun gun gun gun gun gun gun gun gun guns gun gun gun. Gun gun gun gun gun gun gun guns, g’un gun gun Gun gun gun gun; gun gun gun gun gun gun gun gun gun gun gun.

 

  • Gun gun gun gun gun gun. Gun gun gun gun gun gun gunned guns, gun gun gun gun gun gun. Gun gun gun (gun gun gun guns gun) guns gun gun.3

 

Gun Gun:

 

Guns:

 

  1. Gun guns gun gun gun gun gun.
  2. Gun gun gun gun gun gun gun gun gun gun gun; gun’s gun gun gun.

 

1/23 Gun, Gun.

 

1/28 Gun: Gunning Guns (23-37).

1/30 Gun: Gunning Guns (44-59).

 

2/4 Gun: Gunning Guns (72-91).

2/6 Gun gun’d.

 

2/11 Gun-gun gun: Gun gun Gun gun gun gun?

2/13 Gun: Gunning Guns (105-15)

 

2/18 Gun! Gun gun.

2/20 Gun # 1 gun

 

2/25 Gun (gun gun—guns gunning—gun gun)

2/27 Gun: Gunning Guns (123-40)

 

3/4 Gun: Gunning Guns (175-85)

3/6 Gun gun—gun gun gun gun

 

GUN GUNNED – GUN GUN

 

3/18 Gun: Gunning Guns (185-204)

3/20 Gun gun guns gun gun gun gun

 

3/25 Gun #2 gun

3/27 Gun gun: Prof. Gun G. Gun. Gun gun guns gun gun gun!

 

4/1 Gun gun gunned

4/3 Gun (Gun Gunned Guns)

 

4/8 Gun: Gunning Guns (217-44)

4/10 gunned gun gun gun #3

 

4/15 Gun-gun gun gun gunning

4/17 TBA

 

4/22 Gun: Gunning Guns (280-96)

4/24 Gun-gun gun: gun gun gun gun gun

 

4/29 Gun: Gunning Guns (304-22)

5/1 Gun gun gun gun gun guns!

 

5/6 Gun gun: gun gun gun gun gun guns gun GUN?

5/8 Gun Gunned: gun gun

 

5/13 Gun #3 gun gun gun gun 12:15 PM gun Ruger 1022 (gun gun-guns!)

1 Gun gun gun, gun Gunning gun gun Guns gun gun GUN., gun Gun Gun, gunned gun Gun

2 ibid

3 Gun gun, Gun gun gun gun gun gun guns gun gunned guns. Gun gun gun gun g’un gun gun gun gun gun gun gun gun gun gun gun.

Bring the Noise – Introducing Barrelhouse Books

This year, Barrelhouse is branching out from lit journals and moving into also producing a few books per year, and we decided the best way to kick off the brand was with an essay anthology celebrating the best pop culture essays we’ve ever run, plus five new pieces. The book is at the printer now and will be available by the start of March, but you can pre-order now.

I’m kind of on the hook for this one, since I was given the lead on the project, and I feel really great about what we’ve put together. Plus, look at this cover:

BTNoise_Front_HI-2 smaller

To give you a sense of what to expect in the book, here’s my introduction:

ON THE STUPID THINGS WE LOVE

Let’s start here: pop culture matters. Whether you like it or not. Not just the highbrow and hipster approved fare like Werner Herzog and Downton Abbey and Pet Sounds and Community, but also the trashy, exploitative, existentially bleak aspects of pop culture. Even if the world might be better off if more people cared about Faulkner than they do about the goddamn Kardashians, the reality is that they do not, and they will not. In general, American Idol voters are dramatically more passionate and better informed than voters in the presidential election. People will always care about the status of celebrity wombs (as in, is her womb filled with a celebrity baby or not yet filled with a celebrity baby?), will always want to know the stars are just like us. Look—it’s consistent and true throughout history.

If the ancient Greeks had tabloids, who would be on the cover but Achilles?

How many weeks would Nancy Grace spend shouting about the scandalous abduction of Persephone by Hades?

What’s the difference between Lancelot/Guinevere/Arthur and Brad/Jennifer/Angelina?

You take your mythology where you can get it.

*   *   *

Now, let’s add this: it’s okay to care about pop culture. Like, to really care a lot and find yourself so deeply invested that you sometimes get in actual, real-hard-feelings arguments with friends and family, and you can’t fall asleep at night because you’re so excited by an album you just downloaded, and you restructure your entire week to accommodate the viewing of a new movie or the release of a video game.

How many of your most enduring memories are filtered through the prism of pop culture? I vividly recall losing a five dollar bet when The Undertaker pinned Hulk Hogan at the Survivor Series, remember that as a moment when I learned (among other things) that even superheroes can lose. I had friendships throughout high school based exclusively on a mutual love of The Simpsons, friends with whom I could hold conversations comprised entirely of Simpsons quotes. When I was twelve, Davy Crockett’s on-screen death prompted me to ask a simple enough question (i.e., why did Davy Crockett have to die?) that elicited a forty minute conversation with my parents complete with the solemn bestowal of pamphlets and rosaries.

*   *   *

Let’s keep building: we are obligated to treat even the most seemingly frivolous and potentially loathsome aspects of our culture seriously and subject them to real scrutiny until they prove themselves either unworthy of that study or more richly layered than we’d imagined.

You may not like the Transformers movies or the real housewives of wherever, but you ought to understand them, because in many ways it’s the worst of pop culture that defines large aspects of our culture as a whole. Pop culture is a relentless river that defines the landscape of our culture and shapes who we are as individuals.

*   *   *

One more layer: you can be serious about something without being boring. Some of these things we care about are ludicrous; think about the concept of projecting forty-foot-high images of Ashton Kutcher on a wall and asking people to pay ten dollars for the right to see him fall in (and then out, and then back in) love. Think about how stupid it is to sit on the couch for twelve hours every Sunday and form personal attachments to strangers simply because they wear the colors of the team you support and temporarily work in the same city as you.

The risk in writing seriously about pop culture is that if you do it incorrectly, if you lack self-awareness, if you refuse to acknowledge the inherent absurdity in many of the things we care about, then you can sound like you’re auditioning for a part as the stuffy professor in a gritty reboot of Revenge of the Nerds.

The best writing about pop culture knows that this stuff is important, but not that important. It knows we can be intelligent and insightful and demanding but still have a laugh now and then.

There’s a reason Patrick Swayze is the patron saint of Barrelhouse.

*   *   *

I’m the new guy here, having taken over as non-fiction editor between Issues Nine and Ten. So, for the other editors, this book represents a triumph and a validation: they got drunk one day and decided to start an indie press despite the countless reasonable arguments against doing so, and they are still here and thriving. I’m just hitching my wagon to them after they’ve done all the hard work of making Barrelhouse mean something.

When Barrelhouse debuted eight years ago, the editors wanted the work to be inviting even to people who aren’t regular readers of literary magazines, people to whom “literature” is synonymous with “boring.” The goal was to bridge the gap between high and low culture, to engage with the parts of our culture that are often neglected by other publications.
Many of the essays in this book are reprinted from the first eleven issues of Barrelhouse, but five are all previously unpublished, original works produced for this anthology. In each essay, pop culture is the lens through which the authors view the world and try to make some sense of it. The topics are varied, but the common ground is this: these pieces all have important and compelling stories to tell, about who we are and what our culture says about us.

*   *   *

Here’s a rundown of what you’ll find in this anthology:

In Sarah Sweeney’s “Before Adrian Grenier Got Famous,” the author stalks a teen heartthrob and chronicles the dissolution of her relationship with her best friend.

In “Jam,” Paul Crenshaw, now a father of young daughters, reflects on his aimless and depressed youth as a devoted fan of Pearl Jam.

Featured in Issue Five’s special Dive Bar feature, Chad Simpson’s “Home of the Poor and Unknown” takes us on a tour of a rundown bar for Cubs fans.

In “All Aboard the Bloated Boat,” Lee Klein argues that the public furor over Barry Bonds’ alleged steroid use is symptomatic of a greater sickness in America’s bigger-is-better culture.

Johannes Lichtman’s collage essay “Hipster Mosaic” shines light on the evolution of hipsters and the way our culture has defined them.

In “Irish on Both Sides,” Tom Williams details the author’s pilgrimage to Ireland to visit the grave of Phil Lynott, Thin Lizzy’s biracial lead singer.

Melanie Springer Mock, in “For the Love of Good TV,” finds The Love Boat and Gilligan’s Island morally defensible, even while growing up in a Mennonite household and while attending (and later teaching at) a Christian college.

“This Is Not Their Job: The Never-Ending Reality of The Hills” by Patrick Brown takes a humorous and incisive look at the changing definitions of reality in a post-Hills world.

In “Babyfaces,” W. Todd Kaneko explores his lifelong obsession with pro wrestling and the ways it has impacted his relationship with his father and his own racial identity.

Louisa Spaventa, winner of our Roller Derby Invitational in Issue Six, explains what she loves about the fringe sport of roller derby.

Steve Kistulentz’s essay, “Home from the War: An Appreciation of Magnum P.I.,” explores the parallels between Magnum’s struggles and the author’s own personal ones.

One of the features in Issue Nine’s Sex, Drugs, and Rock ‘n’ Roll section, John Shortino’s “What It Means to Grow Bob Dylan’s Beard,” explains the author’s decision to grow his own version of Dylan’s infamous “tragedy beard.”

Matt Sailor’s “Return to Oz” analyzes the unofficial, and largely forgotten, Wizard of Oz sequel that is more bizarre and darker than any ostensible children’s movie you’ve ever seen.

Leslie Jill Patterson’s lyric essay “We Know the Drill” turns a critical eye to the portrayal of dysfunctional sitcom marriages and the marginalization of domestic abuse in popular culture.

Joe Oestreich, a rock ‘n’ roll veteran, deconstructs the many uses, and misuses, of the verb “to rock.”

“Drumming,” originally published on our website, is Nic Brown’s short exploration of his life as a rock and roll drummer who came very close to hitting it big and then stepped away.

In “Lost Calls,” a lyric essay about payphones–and memorable payphone scenes in film– Jill Talbot reflects on a failed relationship that has haunted her for years.

“On Tubes, by Ted Stevens” is an illustrated essay written by Bryan Furuness and comicked by Kevin Thomas, inspired by the late Senator Ted Stevens’ infamous comments describing the Internet as a series of tubes.

The only appropriate place for us to end is with a Barrelhouse staple: the Swayze Question, in which authors, musicians, and other artists answer the simple, but very revealing, question: What is your favorite Patrick Swayze movie?

*   *   *

You can trace the history of Barrelhouse in these pages and glimpse into our future.

This book—the first release in the Barrelhouse Books line—represents the best of who we are and who we have been. It makes us all immensely proud to have been associated with writers so talented, and reminds us, again and again, why these things that sometimes seem so trivial are just the opposite and why we cared so much in the first place.

PRE-ORDER NOW

Two self-explanatory additions to my syllabi this semester

1. Electronic Devices That Should Be Turned Off And/Or Ignored During Class Because It Is Incredibly Distracting, Not to Mention Obnoxious and Rude, To Do Otherwise:

ALL OF THEM.

2. Why Your Participation Grade Matters:

- Because, of the infinite possible life choices you could have made, you chose to go to college, there is no law requiring you to be a college student against your will, and as such, you’re expected to act like a college student in my classroom, which you’re free to interpret however you’d like, but I interpret it like this: a college student wants to learn, is respectful and deserving of respect, shows up and completes tasks on time, is prepared for class, is intellectually curious, doesn’t groan when asked to read a book because he or she understands that when you’re a student you’re going to have to read books and even further he or she knows that reading is central to learning, understands that this whole endeavor is costing them a lot of money, and generally acts like an adult, not just someone who follows orders but someone who values knowledge and the importance of ideas, and, therefore, all things considered, the participation grade should be viewed as a reasonably accurate measure of one’s ability to demonstrate that one is an active and interested learner whose performance warrants the recognition conferred by a higher grade.

- It counts as 30% of your final grade.

New story published

I was out of the country all last week at a resort at which it was socially acceptable, and even encouraged, to order mixed drinks at 11 AM, and so I had minimal Internet access, which I mention partly to dwell on my glorious week of alcohol-drenched loafing, but also to explain why I didn’t post this sooner: the excellent online literary journal FiveChapters ran my story “The Widow in Disgrace” last week.

5C has published so many talented and important writers that it’s a real thrill just to be listed alongside them on the same page, let alone to have been featured on the site. I hope you’ll go read my story and then set some time aside to explore some of the other great stories in the archives.

The full piece is here, and it starts like this:

After the funeral, the Widow sneaks out the back door hoping to avoid the reporters, but they are already there, waiting for her.

They charge when she steps outside, microphones thrust at her like daggers. They need quotes, the only things they care about are quotes, especially short quotes and pithy quotes, the kinds of quotes they can replay every ten minutes until people can recall them with the ease of ad slogans. The Husband had always been unfazed by the microphones, the shouting, the camera’s red eyes glaring at him; he seemed more comfortable when surrounded, was an expert at manipulating them. All it took was a simple hand gesture or a folksy aphorism. Even the unruliest of mobs would laugh at his jokes and then part gently and slip away, like a stream diverting around a rock.

But scandal invites more coverage than success. Scandal is more provocative, sells newspapers and ad space. There have never been this many reporters at one time, all jostling with one another to close in on her, to entrap her and physically extract quotes from her if necessary. Her world darkens and shrinks to the size of a bathroom stall.

The Next Big Thing

Katherine Hill (friend, Barrelhouse Assistant Editor, two time Book Fight guest) invited me to join in this blog chain that is somewhat presumptuously calling itself The Next Big Thing. The deal is this: Katherine answered a bunch of questions about her book, then she tagged a few writers who are now obligated to answer those same questions, then tag a few more writers, who will do the same until at some point every writer on the Internet will have has answered the same questions, and then we can compare and contrast to determine who wins.

 

Go read Katherine’s answers. Follow her on Twitter.  Buy her book.

 

The directions say the questions apply to “something you’re currently writing or a book or story just published or to be published soon,” which is a wide enough net to include any words I’ve ever written. I’m frankly sick of talking about my memoir (go here and here if you’re interested), so these answers all relate to a novel I finished in March and have been submitting to agents since (note, for those who know me in real life: this is not the pro wrestling novel, which is a whole different situation and about which I’m working on another meandering post ).

 

1. What is your working title of your book (or story)?
 

The Widower’s Handbook
 

2. What is the one-sentence synopsis of your book?

 

A young man’s wife dies suddenly, and he decides to help her fulfill her dreams of traveling by taking her ashes with him on a road trip across the country.

 

3. Where did the idea come from for the book?

 

My wife and I were on vacation in Seattle, and it was maybe our anniversary, or close enough to it that we felt okay splitting two bottles of wine at some French restaurant, which probably isn’t terribly relevant to this story, but it seems worth noting.

 

I told her about a dream I’d had the previous night in which she was dying. I don’t know, it seemed like good anniversary talk.

 

We started talking about what would happen if she died; what would I do? Where would I live? Would I still talk to her family? Would I fall into a bottomless depression, start drinking heavily, lose my job? Would I start dating again, and how would I even begin to figure out how dating works (we’ve been together since the week of my 19th birthday; I don’t know how adults meet people in real life. I assume it’s Craigslist-based).

 

During this admittedly morbid discussion, my wife said a few times that if I wrote a book about that she would read it. Of course, she would probably read whatever dumb book I write, but she would read this one and enjoy it (she reads more than I do, but we have drastically different taste in books and film, particularly w/r/t relative levels of bleakness).

 

By the end of the night, I’d come up with the first line of the book, which has been more or less unchanged since then:

 

You don’t fall in love at first sight, or first kiss even, but many months later, at that indelible moment when you awake in her bed before sunrise, her breath hot on your back, arm draped across your ribs, the contours of her hips flowing into you like a river, and you feel like you’re two interlocking puzzle pieces, built specifically to fit together with each other and no one else.

 

And I knew the first chapter would end with something like this:

 

…you’re laying the groundwork for a lifetime of happiness, but none of that matters anymore because she’s dead and she’s dead and she’s dead and she’s dead and she’s dead and she’s never coming back.

 

(the book is not completely in second person POV, I swear).

 

4. What genre does your book fall under?

 

Literary fiction

 

5. Which actors would you choose to play your characters in a movie
 rendition?

I object to this question on the grounds that it’s the sort of thing I would have asked when I was fourteen.

 

6. Will your book be self-published or represented by an agency?
 

Well, that’s the big question, isn’t it? So far, this book has been just good enough to get a lot of really nice rejection emails from a lot of really generous agents. It’s currently unrepresented. If that situation doesn’t resolve itself at some point in the near future, I’m going to start submitting it myself to indie presses that accept unrepresented submissions.

 

And if that doesn’t work out, then I’ll probably just print it, climb to the top of City Hall in Philly, and start showering the pages down on the street like leaflets.

 

7. How long did it take you to write the first draft of your manuscript?

 

After that dinner with my wife, I didn’t do much with this book for a while. I was still in the midst of a different still-unpublished novel on which I spent about three years and am now editing again. During the time I was working on that book, I sometimes jotted down notes and ideas for The Widower’s Handbook, but there was no real work.

 

Widower is short, only 62,000 words, so once I started actively writing it, the first draft was done in about 4 months. I write first drafts very quickly, then spend the rest of the time digging myself out of the holes in which I’ve trapped myself.

 

8. What other books would you compare this story to within your genre?

 

This is a question for marketers and critics, I think. I don’t know. I read a lot of short novels while I was writing this, to get a sense of the rhythms of short books. But that doesn’t mean this has anything to do with Gatsby or So Long, See You Tomorrow or The Dead Father or Coming Through Slaughter or whatever.

 

9. Who or what inspired you to write this book?

 

Is existential dread an appropriate answer?

 

10. What else about your book might pique the reader’s interest?

 

I feel like this is turning into a job interview.

 

Next up:

Steve Kistulentz (@kistulentz)

Dave Housley (@dhousley)

Jill Talbot (@jilltalbot)

Johannes Lichtman (@jltheplagiarist)

Matt Kirkpatrick (@mattkirkpatrick)

The Nervous Breakdown, a rant

Last week I was at the gym and I was a captive audience to the TV and I got really angry, and did not achieve the expected catharsis when I came home and vented my anger to my wife, so I wrote a 1300 word essay about the ways we delude ourselves and embrace idiotic narratives, and thank goodness there’s a quality website out there with a Rants section where I could post it.

It’s called Bloody Diarrhea, Crispy Bacon, and the Stories We Tell Ourselves, and it begins like this:

So I’m at the gym and one of the TVs is tuned to Fox News, which I choose to watch because the other options are all reality TV shows about the hardships of blandly pretty rich white women, and at least the blandly pretty rich white people on Fox have the theoretical potential to talk about something important, and anyway I don’t need to justify this part of the decision. It was on. I was watching it.

It’s not about Fox News, not really. They just happened to be the ones I saw first.

Go read it here.

This is me asking for your money

UPDATE: While I was writing this post, Mike went ahead and wrote a better version of it on the Book Fight site.

There’s a good chance that anyone reading this post is already well aware of Book Fight’s fundraising push, I know, but just in case:

When Mike and I started the podcast on a semi-informed whim in March, we weren’t sure whether it would be a sustainable venture . But we’ve now got 22 full episodes and 8 shorter Writers Ask episodes recorded, and every week we’re setting new personal records for downloads and site visits, so it’s become pretty clear that this is a Thing We Do now. The goal then is to make it a Thing We Do Right, which requires a substantial sound upgrade.

We’ve been using a mic that is functional but  limited, which means our episodes are recorded at roughly AM radio quality;  the mic essentially records the room rather than our individual voices, so you lose the nuances of our voices and get lots of background noise in every recording (I’m sure there’s a professional word for that incidental noise that junks up the sound, but I don’t know what it is, and the point is that regardless of the terminology, nobody needs to hear the pages flipping every time I open a book, or beer bottles clinking against the table, or my dog barking upstairs or whatever).

It’s not bad, we don’t think. But it can, and should, be better.

Also, here, look at our “studio”

bookfight studio3

To record, we stand the mic on a TV table. Mike sits in a folding chair and puts the laptop on an ottoman while I sit in a dusty soccer mom chair with a broken leg. We used to have two folding chairs, but I lost one at the conference back in September, and so now when we have a guest, they get a choice of either taking the folding chair from Mike or sitting in a papasan chair, which maybe doesn’t invite the best recording posture.

This setup is bearable, if sometimes inconvenient, when it’s just me and Mike, but when guests are here, it’s just embarrassing, and increasingly limiting. We have real guests, actual famous authors doing this for free, taking time out of their day and traveling to my house to record, and it would be nice if we could look a little bit more professional. So the fundraising goal includes estimates for buying some cheap Ikea-type furniture so we can sit in real chairs at a real table, which could maybe even hold our books and beers and the microphones all at the same time.

Then, of course, there are the web hosting fees and other incidental costs like that; the more we can defray those, the more easily we can produce these shows.

Look, I know there are a thousand people asking for your money. I know the Internet sometimes seems like a big open hand looking for a donation. I know it’s Christmas season and also your philanthropic monies may be headed to the Red Cross or to the Food Bank or Philabundance. I get it. But if, after you’ve given to those more worthy causes, you have a couple bucks to spare and think we’re doing something good and entertaining and interesting and useful here, then I hope you’ll consider making a small donation to the show.

Your donation, I should note, probably should have noted earlier, will not go unrewarded; if you follow the donation links on this page, you’ll find a list of  suggested donation levels and the thank you gifts we’ll give you. (this is obviously selfishly motivated, but I actually think the $50 level is a great investment for writers and small publishers, who can support the show and also advertise directly to an audience of devoted readers, and also $35 for direct, detailed feedback on your writing from two editors? You actually can’t beat that).

This post is too long, I know. If you still haven’t listened to the show, give it a chance, and if you agree that we’re doing something worthwhile, click here to get to our donation page.

Full transcript of a conversation with an otherwise well-meaning student

Student: “Hey, I heard you wrote a book.”
Me: “Yeah.”
Student: “That’s cool, man. Is that, like, what you want to do?”
Me: “It kind of is what I do.”
Student: “Can I get it anywhere?”
Me: “Well, it’s a long story but [grumble, grumble, grumble] it’s out of print and you can only buy it used.”
Student: “Is there any way I can download it free?”
Me: “I guess, but it’s illegal, and anyway you can get it for 1 cent on Amazon.”
Student: “I’ll probably just get it free.”